Things to do after you are dead

Disclaimer: This is a satire. If you are easily offended then this satire is not for you. It is not meant to belittle anyone's loss as we have all lost someone. It is merely a fact of life.

1. Be buried in a coffin or casket. Most burial these days take place in a casket. A coffin is usually a hexagonal or octagonal shaped box, while a casket is rectangular in shape. Caskets tend to be more comfy with pillows for your head. You will be displayed for your family and friends. Some will cry, some won't. Someone will remember the twenty bucks you borrowed and never paid back.

2. Be cremated. Your body will placed in a body sized cardboard box or a wooden coffin. Fancy "casket looking" cardboard boxes are available, probably at a higher cost. Your body is place in a "retort" that has refractory bricks that resist the heat. You won't care, you're dead. Feel the burn as your body is incinerated at temperatures ranging from 1400 to 2100 degrees Fahrenheit. In two hours time you will be vaporized, oxidized, and gases will be discharged through the exhaust system. You will be nothing but bone chunks by this time, and you will find yourself being whirred into a powder thanks to the "cremulator" The person doing the "cremulating" will wear protective glasses to prevent specks of you entering his eyes. There is no guarantee parts of you will not end up in his laundry.

3. Spend time as mantle piece decor. You must be cremated for this. Corpses just don't stay on mantles very well, and get rather stinky over time. To become decor you need to be placed in an attractive container. There are many choices available in the way of urns. If your financial situation is dire, or you were too cheap to leave your family members any money, a decorated coffee can will do. Your family also has the option of just throwing your remains in the basement with the rest of your junk. You could end up in a garage sale in the 25 cents or less box.

4. Leave your body to science. This is especially desirable if you have died of some weird unpronounceable disease. You will be dissected, but you won't feel a thing. Much more preferable to vivisection, which really, really hurts. Parts of you could be poked and prodded for up to two years. After they are done being scientific, you will end up being cremated and buried in a big mass grave with people you never met. Feel free to mingle.

5. Be planted in a body farm. You will not only be serving a valuable service, but this could be the most excitement you've ever had. Here are some ways you could spent your days at a body farm: In a plastic bag, the trunk of a car, buried, unburied, submerged in water, sitting in a car. Bugs will eat you, and possibly parts of you may find themselves a tasty protein diet for some small carnivorous rodent or your femur could end up buried in someone's backyard along with the other parts their dog brought home.