I admit it. I am a crowdfunding failure. Failed at Kickstarter, failed at indiegogo and failed at gofundme. Not ashamed to admit it.
Oh sure, I got a few bucks from friends who would do just about anything for me and who have read my books but for all the "please would you fund me" posts I put everywhere I was pretty much ignored. Probably blocked by some too.
I ended up with very little and had to take from my own pocket to keep the promise of incentives. For those who signed up to get free autograph books with their donations, every one of them got the free books. You make a promise you keep that promise no matter what.
It's a popularity contest and I'm not popular. It is based on how many people will fund you and if you don't have the backing then it is pretty well a guarantee you will fail. However, the fact that some of the others that have been successful have turned out to be less than worth what they received. I'm not sure what made their projects more desirable to fund than mine or others that have failed.
Is there a better solution for those who can't get people to fund their projects? Maybe it is time to find out but until then I'll just save up my money and get my projects done when I can afford them.
Queen of the Grue
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Things to do after you are dead
Disclaimer: This is a satire. If you are easily offended then this
satire is not for you. It is not meant to belittle anyone's loss as we
have all lost someone. It is merely a fact of life.
1. Be buried in a coffin or casket. Most burial these days take place in a casket. A coffin is usually a hexagonal or octagonal shaped box, while a casket is rectangular in shape. Caskets tend to be more comfy with pillows for your head. You will be displayed for your family and friends. Some will cry, some won't. Someone will remember the twenty bucks you borrowed and never paid back.
2. Be cremated. Your body will placed in a body sized cardboard box or a wooden coffin. Fancy "casket looking" cardboard boxes are available, probably at a higher cost. Your body is place in a "retort" that has refractory bricks that resist the heat. You won't care, you're dead. Feel the burn as your body is incinerated at temperatures ranging from 1400 to 2100 degrees Fahrenheit. In two hours time you will be vaporized, oxidized, and gases will be discharged through the exhaust system. You will be nothing but bone chunks by this time, and you will find yourself being whirred into a powder thanks to the "cremulator" The person doing the "cremulating" will wear protective glasses to prevent specks of you entering his eyes. There is no guarantee parts of you will not end up in his laundry.
3. Spend time as mantle piece decor. You must be cremated for this. Corpses just don't stay on mantles very well, and get rather stinky over time. To become decor you need to be placed in an attractive container. There are many choices available in the way of urns. If your financial situation is dire, or you were too cheap to leave your family members any money, a decorated coffee can will do. Your family also has the option of just throwing your remains in the basement with the rest of your junk. You could end up in a garage sale in the 25 cents or less box.
4. Leave your body to science. This is especially desirable if you have died of some weird unpronounceable disease. You will be dissected, but you won't feel a thing. Much more preferable to vivisection, which really, really hurts. Parts of you could be poked and prodded for up to two years. After they are done being scientific, you will end up being cremated and buried in a big mass grave with people you never met. Feel free to mingle.
5. Be planted in a body farm. You will not only be serving a valuable service, but this could be the most excitement you've ever had. Here are some ways you could spent your days at a body farm: In a plastic bag, the trunk of a car, buried, unburied, submerged in water, sitting in a car. Bugs will eat you, and possibly parts of you may find themselves a tasty protein diet for some small carnivorous rodent or your femur could end up buried in someone's backyard along with the other parts their dog brought home.
1. Be buried in a coffin or casket. Most burial these days take place in a casket. A coffin is usually a hexagonal or octagonal shaped box, while a casket is rectangular in shape. Caskets tend to be more comfy with pillows for your head. You will be displayed for your family and friends. Some will cry, some won't. Someone will remember the twenty bucks you borrowed and never paid back.
2. Be cremated. Your body will placed in a body sized cardboard box or a wooden coffin. Fancy "casket looking" cardboard boxes are available, probably at a higher cost. Your body is place in a "retort" that has refractory bricks that resist the heat. You won't care, you're dead. Feel the burn as your body is incinerated at temperatures ranging from 1400 to 2100 degrees Fahrenheit. In two hours time you will be vaporized, oxidized, and gases will be discharged through the exhaust system. You will be nothing but bone chunks by this time, and you will find yourself being whirred into a powder thanks to the "cremulator" The person doing the "cremulating" will wear protective glasses to prevent specks of you entering his eyes. There is no guarantee parts of you will not end up in his laundry.
3. Spend time as mantle piece decor. You must be cremated for this. Corpses just don't stay on mantles very well, and get rather stinky over time. To become decor you need to be placed in an attractive container. There are many choices available in the way of urns. If your financial situation is dire, or you were too cheap to leave your family members any money, a decorated coffee can will do. Your family also has the option of just throwing your remains in the basement with the rest of your junk. You could end up in a garage sale in the 25 cents or less box.
4. Leave your body to science. This is especially desirable if you have died of some weird unpronounceable disease. You will be dissected, but you won't feel a thing. Much more preferable to vivisection, which really, really hurts. Parts of you could be poked and prodded for up to two years. After they are done being scientific, you will end up being cremated and buried in a big mass grave with people you never met. Feel free to mingle.
5. Be planted in a body farm. You will not only be serving a valuable service, but this could be the most excitement you've ever had. Here are some ways you could spent your days at a body farm: In a plastic bag, the trunk of a car, buried, unburied, submerged in water, sitting in a car. Bugs will eat you, and possibly parts of you may find themselves a tasty protein diet for some small carnivorous rodent or your femur could end up buried in someone's backyard along with the other parts their dog brought home.
Why I am Called The Queen of the Grue
Here are some comments about my writing. These are from critiques I
received. The Roxan is me. People like spelling it different ways-I
don't know why. I don't chime my own bells with my writing. I write what
I write and one can either like it or hate.
How do I come up with my ideas? Life, dreams, wishes, nightmares, and a really morbid imagination. I love horror for the way it makes the hair rise on the back of the neck. The way it makes you lift up your feet so nothing can grab them and the way it makes you think it might be better to leave a light on.
Oh Roxanne, this is particularly delicious. You've put so many warped images into head that I just wanna say...thanks!
Wow. I am very impressed, very morbid but happy at the same time. I like it!
I would not be surprised if you came out as a screenwriter. I know I've said this before but I really think you would be brilliant at it.
Great grotesque imagery! You really are the Mother of Mood.
Darkly satisfying, Roxan, anointed Queen of the Grue.
Wow! Great imagery here. I can really visualize the scenes, I must be sicker than I thought!
I've called you the successor to Barker before, but the relationships between your characters remind me of Rice now. So far as I'm concerned, you have the best of both worlds. It's crossed my mind to do a gore-fest, but I know I'd pale in comparison to the Queen
This is some of your best work, Roxann. Seriously. You've got the voice down pat, and it's a great example of erotic horror.
I think the "no holds barred" approach your taking will unsettle some folks, which makes for great horror writing. Between the visuals and the psychological dissection of the characters that accompanies their acts, I think you'll definately be sharing your nightmares with some sleepless readers.
How do I come up with my ideas? Life, dreams, wishes, nightmares, and a really morbid imagination. I love horror for the way it makes the hair rise on the back of the neck. The way it makes you lift up your feet so nothing can grab them and the way it makes you think it might be better to leave a light on.
Oh Roxanne, this is particularly delicious. You've put so many warped images into head that I just wanna say...thanks!
Wow. I am very impressed, very morbid but happy at the same time. I like it!
I would not be surprised if you came out as a screenwriter. I know I've said this before but I really think you would be brilliant at it.
Great grotesque imagery! You really are the Mother of Mood.
Darkly satisfying, Roxan, anointed Queen of the Grue.
Wow! Great imagery here. I can really visualize the scenes, I must be sicker than I thought!
I've called you the successor to Barker before, but the relationships between your characters remind me of Rice now. So far as I'm concerned, you have the best of both worlds. It's crossed my mind to do a gore-fest, but I know I'd pale in comparison to the Queen
This is some of your best work, Roxann. Seriously. You've got the voice down pat, and it's a great example of erotic horror.
I think the "no holds barred" approach your taking will unsettle some folks, which makes for great horror writing. Between the visuals and the psychological dissection of the characters that accompanies their acts, I think you'll definately be sharing your nightmares with some sleepless readers.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Some Words of Advice for My Son
One day you will meet that girl and your life will change. Feel blessed that someone has come into your life and be willing to work along side of her.
If you want to be happy make sure she's happy. You don't need to lavish her with gifts or spend a lot of money. Making someone happy does not take all that much effort.
Don't brood and don't get angry in front of her. If you have to walk it off, then do it before you face her. Making her tiptoe around you is a terrible way to treat someone you claim to love.
Don't make her ask you over and over again to do something that needs to be done. Yes, sometimes things have to wait but don't expect her to wait forever and then accuse her of nagging.
Make an effort to buy her gifts that mean something. Don't just grab something.
If she asks for something she needs get it for her. If she wants you to build a clothesline for her get your butt outside and start building.
Surprise her on occasion. Maybe dinner out or bring home that whatever you know she's been admiring.
Never belittle her. Never make her feel uncomfortable in her own home.
Keep her happy because a happy woman is more likely to want you to be happy too. She is the gift that God gave to you to share your future and dreams with.
Monday, February 23, 2015
How To Clean A Hotel Room
The checkout-
Enter room. Strip the bed, remove dirty towels from bathroom, check drawers for left behinds, empty trash containers and check hotel coffee pot to make sure it is still in the room or hasn't been used to cook drugs in. Pocket any money.
Check the shower curtain for dirt by rubbing it against itself. If its dirty you'll know. Remove if it is dirty, otherwise close it.
Gather needed sheets, towels, soaps, etc. and place on dresser. Having it there ahead of time will save you needless running back and forth.
Repeat for you remaining checkouts.
When you are ready to clean the room start by making the bed. If you work for a hotel with brains there will be no fitted sheets. Most hotels these days don't have brains. I'm sorry. The easiest way to put on a pillowcase is to hold the pillow under your chin and use both hands to put the case on, a quick shake and you're done. Finish cleaning the room making sure it looks as not used as possible.
The stay over-
Try to enter room. Push hard to shove the suitcase blocking the door out of the way. Trip over pizza boxes. Navigate around more suitcases. Look at bed piled with guest's belongings. Get note that says why you are not making the bed and set in easy to see place on bed.
Enter bathroom. Stumble out choking. Take deep breath and re-enter. Flush toilet. Spray air freshener liberally and wait outside. Return to bathroom. Get on hotel phone and call front desk for maintenance.
Think about vacuuming and laugh.
Return to now working bathroom and clean. Pretend you actually cleaned the room and leave.
The next day-See the guest that was the previous day's stay over as he's checking out. Notice that he's drop dead handsome, but you know what a true stinker he really is. Smile as he walks by.
Enter room. Strip the bed, remove dirty towels from bathroom, check drawers for left behinds, empty trash containers and check hotel coffee pot to make sure it is still in the room or hasn't been used to cook drugs in. Pocket any money.
Check the shower curtain for dirt by rubbing it against itself. If its dirty you'll know. Remove if it is dirty, otherwise close it.
Gather needed sheets, towels, soaps, etc. and place on dresser. Having it there ahead of time will save you needless running back and forth.
Repeat for you remaining checkouts.
When you are ready to clean the room start by making the bed. If you work for a hotel with brains there will be no fitted sheets. Most hotels these days don't have brains. I'm sorry. The easiest way to put on a pillowcase is to hold the pillow under your chin and use both hands to put the case on, a quick shake and you're done. Finish cleaning the room making sure it looks as not used as possible.
The stay over-
Try to enter room. Push hard to shove the suitcase blocking the door out of the way. Trip over pizza boxes. Navigate around more suitcases. Look at bed piled with guest's belongings. Get note that says why you are not making the bed and set in easy to see place on bed.
Enter bathroom. Stumble out choking. Take deep breath and re-enter. Flush toilet. Spray air freshener liberally and wait outside. Return to bathroom. Get on hotel phone and call front desk for maintenance.
Think about vacuuming and laugh.
Return to now working bathroom and clean. Pretend you actually cleaned the room and leave.
The next day-See the guest that was the previous day's stay over as he's checking out. Notice that he's drop dead handsome, but you know what a true stinker he really is. Smile as he walks by.
So Meaty!
My neighbor, Mrs. Benson, had been married four times. Each time the
marriage lasted a total of two years and ended with the husband leaving
to never been seen again. Except for the first husband who still lived
in the town. The original Mr. Benson.
It was said that Mr. Benson had also been married a few times and his wives left him never to be seen again. Some in the town suspected they met the spouse of the other Benson and went together.
Mrs. Benson took the sudden departure of each husband pretty well, almost too well. She would have a party every time and invited everyone, including Mr. Benson. Mr. Benson was always happy to oblige.
“This year we're having a barbecue” Mrs. Benson announced as I opened the door. “Be there at seven sharp!”
Before that it had been meat fondue and before that some sort of stew. There would always be plenty of leftovers for everyone to take home. My own freezer was full of Mrs. Benson's party food.
At seven I showed up and found people already digging into Mrs. Benson's barbecue. She gave me a plate piled high with vegetables.
“I made this special for you.” She said. “I remembered you don't eat meat.”
“Thank you.” I graciously took the plate. “Glad you remembered.”
“Oh you're just so darling, Ian!” Mrs. Benson gushed. “If you weren't so young I'd made you number five!”
I sat next to Mr. Benson who was gnawing on a rib bone with Mrs. Benson's homemade sauce dripping off of it.
“My boy, when are you going to get married?” Mr. Benson asked with pieces of meat hanging off his teeth. “Boy handsome as you must have the girls dying to be asked out.”
“I haven't given it much thought to be honest.”
“Well boy, start giving it a thought!”
“Oh leave the boy alone, Gerald!” Mrs. Benson said, sitting next to Mr. Benson. “How's that rib?”
“Cooked nice and tender.” Mr. Benson answered. “Just like I taught you.”
“All in the way you tenderize the meat.” Mrs. Benson replied. “Just like you taught me.”
I watched them as I gnawed on my carrot sticks. They seemed the perfect couple and one would wonder why their marriage didn't last. As I finished my plate of vegetables Mrs. Benson handed me a package.
“For your dogs.” She said. “No sauce on these. Don't want to upset their tummies.”
“They'll enjoy it, thanks.” I graciously took the package.
“There's a surprise in it for you too.”
My dogs met me at the gate their tags wagging furiously, waiting for their treat.
“Down!” I said sternly.
Buster and Beulah sat, their tails still wagging.
“Good dogs.”
I opened the package to find the treats and a ring attached to one of them. A gold wedding band that looked quite a bit like the ring husband number four wore. I tossed the dogs their treat and they laid down, happily chewing the fingers from number four's hands.
Watching them enjoy the treat made me a bit hungry and I thought of Jill who made the best hamburgers. Her steaks weren't all that bad either. She was just so meaty and tender.
It was said that Mr. Benson had also been married a few times and his wives left him never to be seen again. Some in the town suspected they met the spouse of the other Benson and went together.
Mrs. Benson took the sudden departure of each husband pretty well, almost too well. She would have a party every time and invited everyone, including Mr. Benson. Mr. Benson was always happy to oblige.
“This year we're having a barbecue” Mrs. Benson announced as I opened the door. “Be there at seven sharp!”
Before that it had been meat fondue and before that some sort of stew. There would always be plenty of leftovers for everyone to take home. My own freezer was full of Mrs. Benson's party food.
At seven I showed up and found people already digging into Mrs. Benson's barbecue. She gave me a plate piled high with vegetables.
“I made this special for you.” She said. “I remembered you don't eat meat.”
“Thank you.” I graciously took the plate. “Glad you remembered.”
“Oh you're just so darling, Ian!” Mrs. Benson gushed. “If you weren't so young I'd made you number five!”
I sat next to Mr. Benson who was gnawing on a rib bone with Mrs. Benson's homemade sauce dripping off of it.
“My boy, when are you going to get married?” Mr. Benson asked with pieces of meat hanging off his teeth. “Boy handsome as you must have the girls dying to be asked out.”
“I haven't given it much thought to be honest.”
“Well boy, start giving it a thought!”
“Oh leave the boy alone, Gerald!” Mrs. Benson said, sitting next to Mr. Benson. “How's that rib?”
“Cooked nice and tender.” Mr. Benson answered. “Just like I taught you.”
“All in the way you tenderize the meat.” Mrs. Benson replied. “Just like you taught me.”
I watched them as I gnawed on my carrot sticks. They seemed the perfect couple and one would wonder why their marriage didn't last. As I finished my plate of vegetables Mrs. Benson handed me a package.
“For your dogs.” She said. “No sauce on these. Don't want to upset their tummies.”
“They'll enjoy it, thanks.” I graciously took the package.
“There's a surprise in it for you too.”
My dogs met me at the gate their tags wagging furiously, waiting for their treat.
“Down!” I said sternly.
Buster and Beulah sat, their tails still wagging.
“Good dogs.”
I opened the package to find the treats and a ring attached to one of them. A gold wedding band that looked quite a bit like the ring husband number four wore. I tossed the dogs their treat and they laid down, happily chewing the fingers from number four's hands.
Watching them enjoy the treat made me a bit hungry and I thought of Jill who made the best hamburgers. Her steaks weren't all that bad either. She was just so meaty and tender.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
A High Dream-With Zombies!
In my dream I'm standing outside of a car smoking and this guy says to get in, so I do. He's driving along and I'm starting to feel a bit strange. Then it occurs to me Oh yeah I just smoked a joint! Mind you, in real life I don't (okay haven't in years).
My mind starts having all those thoughts one has when they are high. A cop is going to stop us and smell it. He's going to see my dilated pupils and know I've been smoking. I'm rolling down the window to get rid of the smoke that can't possibly be in the car because I smoked outside.
All the sudden we're heading for a fence and this teenage boy is racing toward us screaming. The driver suddenly jumps out of the car leaving me and I think “Oh great, zombies and I'm high!”
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